6:01 p.m. - 2001-04-17
Someone
Today my friend Jessica asked me see her boyfriend. I went to her locker with her after English was over. Her boyfriend came. I saw him. I left. You wouldn't think that this experience is - in any way - significant. But it has significance. Technically, I haven't been "single" for too long. But I have been ALONE for a very, very long time. It's not that I'm desperate for a bf... I'd like to think that if I was desperate, I'd have one by now. It's just that I've asked out so many guys... okay not that many guys, but a few. And when they all say no, it feels like a lot. It feels like shit. When everyone says no. I don't think that there's something so repellent about me that people who rather eat maggots than hang out with me. I just don't think that's the case, and if it was... I couldn't even fathom the thought. It's just I saw them together and it made me feel kinda sad. Kind of alone... My friend Amy talks all the time about how much she wants a bf. And I tell her stuff like "Stay single! You don't want to be tied down." or "You don't need a man, you're awesome the way you are!" And she laughs. But I find myself going to bed at night thinking the very same thoughts that she is. I'd like to emphasize the fact that I'm in no state of desperation. I think, under these circumstances, being desperate means being willing to lower your standards. And that I am not. I'm not going to go out with some asshole just because I want a bf. No. I want someone nice, smart, and funny. And another thing! ... I hate it when a guy is asked what does he look for in a girl, and he'll give this list of adjectives like - smart, funny, etc. - that's such bullshit! I mean, not all guys do it; some of them are actually honest and come out and say that they want a girl with big tits and all "that good shit." But other guys will give the aforementioned list of adjectives, when they don't care about that at all! I'm smart! I'm funny! Why isn't every guy in America knocking on my door? I think guys have much, much lower standards than girls (well, most girls). They'll fuck anything that moves. Girls (like me) actually care about the little things: romance, holding hands, love, etc. That's right! I'm a romantic... I can't help it though! Romance is very enticing. I guess the point I've been trying to make is... I want to be with someone.
