11:37 a.m. - 2001-06-15
What the fuck am I doing?!
What the fuck am I doing?!
Okay, so you'd think since it's summer now and I have no school (until next Monday when I start summer school) that I'd be feeling a bit better about myself seeing as how I don't have to put up with so much high school bullshit. But I don't know... Lately, I've just been feeling like shit. Like what am I doing? Why am I here? Where the hell is the remote control?! Okay, so maybe not all of my thoughts are the most insightful and philosophic, but hey ... that's me. I just all of sudden feel lonely and stupid and ugly and so many other bad, bad things. I'm not "depressed" ... so to speak. I have my fun. It's just hard to smile sometimes. Thinking about all of the people who signed my yearbook, and how many of them actually kept in touch with me ... none. And the whole relationship status. Single and lovin' it ... yeah, right. I think about things. I think about what it would be like if I were different. And I'll start to cry because things could never, ever be that good. I'm not that lucky. Nor have I ever been. Though, I am a bit happy right now coz that guy e-mailed me back. =)
FUCK!!!
Okay, here I go again. Why do I this to myself?! I do this all the time. Even with stupid-ass internet bullshit! I project a future that is completely impossible. Imagining myself with people who would never want to be with me. Ever. WHY?! Why do I put hope in what is otherwise hopeless? Why do I ALLOW myself to feel things for people who could never reciprocate said feeling, would never reciprocate...
Okay...gosh, I say that a lot. Okay ... okay. I think I've let off enough steam, for now anyway.
