12:31 a.m. - 2001-07-07
I'm Weird
Gee�I�m weird?
I don�t know what it is about me, maybe it just the fact that I�m human, but I get nervous when I�m talking to people that I don�t know. Is it just me who�s like this, or does the rest of the world have it as well? Have what, pray tell� Have that fear of rejection, of unacceptance. Maybe it�s just different for me because I live with that fear about 90% of the time that I�m not sleeping. Whenever I�m asked, "What�s your biggest fear?" Without hesitation, I reply "Public humiliation." I hate people laughing at me. I know, I know. Who LIKES people laughing at them? But it gets to me. And spare me the bullshit that I shouldn�t care about what other people think of me, because you know something, everyone does, to some extent. What differs in people is WHAT you want them to think of you. Some want to be accepted, some want to be feared. Me? I just want to be tolerated. Or � just left alone. I�m not here to bother anyone, I don�t say much. But I must say, sometimes this paranoia and nervousness gets to me, on a very personal level. Sometimes, I just cry for no reason. Maybe it�s because I�m tired of worrying about every little thing. That�s another difference between me and all of you normal people. I am meticulous about everything on me and near me when I�m around people I don�t know, or a large group of people. The fact that I�m nervous is a dead give-away. Though, I may look like I�m on drugs or something, the paranoia comes naturally. No narcotics or other mind-altering substances required. And the saddest, most fucked up part about it all, is all I can think is "Who�s gonna like me now?"
