9:52 p.m. - 2001-08-08
Ambivalence
My moods:
Nervous breakdown! Nervous breakdown!
What the hell is the matter with me?! The reasons why I con myself into believing that this thing between me and Charles is actually a relationship, that this is actually something of substance ... is beyond me. I haven't a clue why I proceed to just get right in line for the next rejection. I haven't been dumped ... it's just I've just realized what a pile of shit this "relationship" is. You know what ... let's not even call it that anymore. It's like a fling but longer. Flonger. Yeah, that's good.
I thought that I was just so lonely and that no one would ever want to be with me, and then this guy wants to be with me. And, of course, without hesitation, I accept. This guy is so wrong for me, it's not even feasible. The time I spent being alone was so much better than this. Those will now be known as The Good Old Days - when depression was ... not that bad. Now, being depressed is the last of my worries. Anxiety, paranoia, the list goes on forever. I wish I understood me!!! And why I make such stupid decisions!
I haven't a clue as to what to do about this. You're probably thinking that I should just dump him. And that thought has crossed my mind. And then I think of when we're together. *big sigh* It just feels nice to be held sometimes. And, no, maybe it's not worth the pain and suffering I'm going through. (No, I'm not being overdramatic.) It's hard to decide, even though I know what decision is best for me. Because I know how long it's been since someone has held me. Since I felt that someone cared about me (even though he probably really doesn't.) And I know how I can be when I'm alone (I mean ALL alone.)
What I plan to do. Hmmm... Grin and bear it through the rough times, and savor the good times. When it's over, and my heart is ... semi-broken, maybe I will have learned my lesson.
