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14:23 - 08.24.2001
Another Year of High School
School is starting back soon, and even though I'm going to be a senior, I'm unbelievably nervous. I hate first-days of school. I can't say that I have any real friends at my high school. I can't say it because it would be a lie. I have a few associates, but no one who I feel like I can really trust. I mean, REALLY trust. And the thing that bothers me about the whole ... thing is that no one talks to me because ... well, I'm not sure why. But they just don't talk to me. Then, a few people talk to me because we're in a group project or something together, and they just happen to discover that they like talking to me, and enjoy my company. Why do people prejudge? I think I come off as antisocial, but I try not to. And even if I do, that's no reason to treat me like shit and completely ignore me. I mean, just blatant disregards for my presence.

There are a few things that I'm looking forward to. Instead of taking a regular English course for my senior year, I'm taking a pass class. Which basically means it's self-guided instruction. No annoying group work, no lectures, and best of all no presentations! I cannot tell you how many classes I've skipped because of presentations. And I know you're probably thinking, "It's not that bad..." But it is. It SO is! I feel anxious and nauseated before, during, and after the presentation, so I've learned to simply avoid them. I'm also looking forward to learning how to play guitar. I wanted to take piano, but it wasn't available, so I'm taking guitar. Shit! We were supposed to go pick up my new guitar today... I'll probably go get it when I go to pick up some hair dye. I'm also looking forward to seeing few people would had the close-friend potential. Mike. Gosh, Mike. He's just such a sweet, funny guy. He's going to be a junior, so I hope that we become better friends before I leave. And there's Nick. Now, I used to have a crush on Nick for like a minute, but then ... I didn't. I won't go into the details, but I really like him as a friend now. There are a lot of other people like Alicia, Amy, Jenni, Cheryl, Erica (yes, another Erica), Marquita, Mai, and Sarah. Like I said before, these are just people that I associate with. I would see a real friendship happening between any one of these people and myself, but I don't think people like to be seen with me, period.

And I can honestly say that I'm looking forward to getting the hell out of there! High school, thus far, had been one of the most horrible experiences that I've had to endure. Not feeling truly accepted by anyone. There are cliques at are school. There are the gothy people, the "popular" people, there's even a clique of dorks. (I mean, literally. They all wear glasses, and have pants that never touch their shoes.) I don't belong anywhere. There's even a group of rejects, people who have don't fit in anywhere. And I'm not even accepted there! I don't know what it is with me and my need for approval and acceptance. But I'm working on that. I should be more girl-power-y, and stand-up-for-myself-y, and just say "To hell with what everyone else thinks about me!" But I can't do that. In fact, I think that's my biggest flaw: I care about what other people think. And my biggest fear goes hand in hand with that: public humiliation.

I've got my ticket, and I'm in line. But I won't even come close to being prepared for yet another emotional roller coaster, called "another year of high school."

 

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