03:50 - 08.28.2001
I'm So Lonely
I'm sick and tired...of being a guy's "runner-up." I don't want to be the girl that you turn to after all of the pretty girls reject you. I'd like to be more than that. I want to matter to someone. Even if it's not serious, or even long-term. I'd just like the be with a guy who actually wanted to be with me. With ME. Not with some girl who just happened to be ... there. If it hasn't been made clear yet, my "relationship" with Charles is over. I suppose it never really existed. He only wanted one thing, and when he got it, he "faded away."
I feel icky. Not only about this whole Charles thing, but the fact that I knew this would happen and I still allowed myself to go through with it. I KNEW this would happen. And here I am, just feeling pathetic and pitiful ... and more alone than I've felt in months. At the same time, I do feel that this whole tryst was necessary for me. Life experience or something like that. It's a bit hard to explain, but you can rest assured that my feelings on this whole situation are very, very ambivalent.
But one thing I know is for sure. I'm sick of being with guys just because they want to be with me, no matter what reason they want to be with me. It's going to be so hard for me to change because deep down sometimes I don't feel like I deserve any better. Like... I should "take what I can get"-type thing. Low self-esteem is a horrible thing, isn't it?
