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02:44 - 09.17.2001
Charles And Me
I have to write or ... type or whatever about this because it's absolutely driving me crazy. I'm with this guy Charles. I'm not WITH HIM-with him, we're just messing around. And I knew that it would be like this, and I know that it probably won't be anything more. But there's this part of me that just keeps getting disappointed. And keeps thinking about that frightening phrase: "long-term." I don't know. Maybe it's just because he likes me or something, but he doesn't like me the way I want him to like me. It's so complicated, and I wish I could go into more detail about it, but I have a feeling that I would just confuse you. Which I'm sure I've done already. ..... Sometimes, it's just so hard. I'm seventeen years old. I have hardly any friends. And I've only been with 2 guys before. The first one I was with for 4 years. And now Charles. I count him as a "guy I've been with" because we've been messin' around for almost 3 months, so ... yeah. I just wish he wouldn't lie to me too. I ask him what we are. Friends? Or something more. And he says "I don't know, I guess." I wanted to kill him! Why not just be honest? I'm not going to slit my wrists over you, pal. He thinking that if he says yes, then I'll call him 24-7 and be one of those needy chicks, which I wouldn't be, though I am capable of acting that way. And if he says no, then I won't want to "mess around" anymore, as I say. What's really bothering as well is that I analyze this shit to no end! I can't stop thinking about it. Should I just call it quits? Should I just stay with him and go with the flow? What the hell is wrong with me? Why do I do these insane things? And everytime I analyze, and I come to a conclusion, I just prove my naiveness (yes, it's a word) and my ambivalence because I end up thinking about it 5 minutes later and analyzing it a whole new way, that makes me think that I found a new perspective. But I never do. And if I did, it wouldn't matter because I feel five million different things about this whole Charles thing, and it make me want to barf. Barf, barf, barf. That's a weird word. BARF!!!! Okay, I'm done with this shit. I have to go to sleep, and when I wake up I'll just overanalyze this shit some more. Good night.

 

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