22:38 - 09.20.2001
Mature
With school and everything, my life has gotten a million more times as hectic and confusing than it was during the summer. The anxiety. Oh, lord! The Anxiety! I'm just way too paranoid. Any time I hear people laughing anywhere near me, I know it's about me. I mean, I know that it's not about me. But I know that it is, being that my feelings are hurt as if they were talking about me. Yeah, okay, I'm weird. Also, I actually like most of my classes. Guitar is kinda hard because my fingers are hurting so bad, but I'm actually playing that thing. And properly! I'm named my guitar George. Because I love the way Julia Roberts says the name George in Erin Brockovich, and in My Best Friend's Wedding. But that sounds sorta kooky, so I tell people that I named it after the monkey. And then they look at me funny, and say "What monkey?" And I say "Curious George." =) He was a cool monkey...
But enough about George. The real thing that I wanted to discuss is that I'm growing up. I mean, literally, I can feel myself getting older. My priorities have totally changed. Two years ago, I never wanted to drive because I was scared that I would kill people. I would kill someone if they made me miss the new Real World episode. And my room was CONSTANTLY a mess. Now, I'm driving on my own. (I get my licensee in November, but my mom lets me take the car for whatever.) I haven't seen an episode of the Real World in months. And my room hasn't been messy for two weeks straight without me cleaning it. It's scary. I mean, especially my passion for the Real World, or lack thereof. I don't go online as much either. I used to go to Bolt.com NONSTOP. Now, I go there maybe once a week or so. The main things I do online are write (or type) in this diary and download MP3's for burning CD's and stuff. Even my website, Dreamland, and my online newsletter, Mosaic, haven't been updated in weeks. I don't think that it's just school that's done this transformation to me, because when I was a junior, I did all the stuff that I've yet to do now. Hmmm. Erica? Mature? It's a scary thought, but I think I can cope with it. =) Though, I wish I could have matured financially as well. I have hardly any money saved, and any money I do get is spent on soda and online auction shit from Laundromatic.net. I'm going to Mexico in less than a year, and I have no money saved up for this trip.
Also, there's the matter of my room, which has also matured. Before: 5-8 calendars on the walls, a giant poster of Mini-me from Austin Powers, and a magna-doodle on the wall. Now: A Picasso print from art.com, a beautiful abstract stained-glass panel that I made at school, 2 calendars, and handmade knit-crochet type thingy that my mom made. It feels more grown-up. Though, I do think that the reason my room stays cleaner is because I feel really embarrassed when Charles or my friend Artealia or someone else comes over and sees my room messy.
Maturity has its ups and downs, as with any process that teenagers go through. And I'm discovering these ups ... and downs. Wish me luck.
