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16:00 - 09.25.2001
Guys
I like a guy...

I know that I'm a person who has had a LOT of crushes, but lately that hasn't been the case. I guess I'm just being a bit more realistic. Anyway, his name is Josh. Which is so weird cause I've like 2 other guys named Josh. I mean, how weird is that... So, we met in our earth science class, and he's from Kentucky or some place in the South. He has a Southern accent. A DEEP southern accent. But he's really funny. And yeah.

And the other thing...

What is wrong with me? A guy tries to talk to me, not even in a "flirty" way, or at least I don't think it was, and the first thing that pops into my head is not "Gosh, this is nice. Someone is actually talking to me." But instead, in pops "Why are they talking to me? Are they trying to trick me into liking them or something?" I don't know! I'm just sooooo paranoid. I still can't stop thinking about why this guy talked to me today. I mean, I'm just so ... out there. I cannot fathom the idea of a guy talking to me because he actually WANTED to talk to me.

It's like what that dude from the Matrix said. He said that they created the first "Matrix"-thingy, and it was perfect, flawless. And the humans wouldn't accept it, because they kept trying to wake up from the dreamlike Utopia. That's exactly what I'm doing. I can't accept the idea of someone, especially a guy, liking me, being interested in me. Just wanting to talk to me.

Don't think that this major character flaw doesn't bother me. It does. To no end. I've spent countless hours pondering the intentions behind people's actions. I think I asked my ex-bf hundreds of times "Why do you like me?" "Why are you with me?" But then again, he never gave me a good answer.

I'll try to correct this major error of mine, but one can only do so much. So, I'll hope for the best. And maybe, just maybe, I can start to believe that people can like me, for me.

 

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