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23:55 - 10.03.2001
Doubt
The doubt. Doubt is a very bad thing. Especially when you doubt yourself.

Okay, here's what's been goin' on... My ex-bf wants to get back together. My ex-bf. This guy is so bad for me, it's not even feasible. He lies. Not like he cheats on me and he lies about stuff. But he lies about the stupidest things. Like what he ate that day. Or the fonts on his computer. It's so retarded. And he has a son. He pregnated some chick after we broke up, and he expects me to just swoon? Er... let me think, no. Even if he didn't have a son, it'd be the same shit. You know, like we've been down this road 18 million times before, and we'll end up in the same place all over again.

I thought that I was desperate, but I'm not. I thought I was willing to be with any guy, as long as he wanted to be with me, and that's not the case. Yay me?

There's also these other guys that I like. There are 3.

Charles - This guy and me have been just "hanging out" or what have you for about 2 and a half months, and we talked. He doesn't want to get serious, but I do. It just feels like we have so much fun together. I'm starting to think that it's because we're NOT serious that we have so much fun.

Josh - Okay, so this guy is Mississippi. I first saw him, and I thought he was kinda cute, but then he opened his mouth, and said stuff, and it was like WHAT?! Though, I will admit, I'm getting used to the accent. It's just a little hard to take that country stuff, you know. He's really funny too. =)

The Last Guy - I won't mention his name, but I liked him for a second. He's the reason for this whole entry. I'm a girl. And, yes, occasionally I'm attracted to guys. But I FOOLISHLY BELIEVED that one of them could actually like me back. And I foolishly believe that this guy could. I walk down the hallway at school and I think over and over in my head "Foolishly believe, foolishly believe, foolishly believe..."

I think I'm insane.

Now, of course, I realize that it's not doubt. Doubt is when you could believe something, but there's a little thing called doubt stopping you. I could never believe. Believe that a guy, A GUY, could look at me and just like me. Not love me, not want to marry me, not want to spend the rest of his life with me, but just like me. Just like me.

Excuse my self-contradiction. My ambivalence gets the best of me.

 

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