16:18 - 10.12.2001
Horrible
I'm getting pretty good grades. Parent-teacher conferences were this past Thursday and my mom seems pretty happy. I'm driving now (even though I don't have my license yet), and finally starting to feel like I have a life beside the internet and television. So, you'd think I'd be on top of the world. But I feel like shit.
I was going to get my guitar, George, fixed. It was my mother, my friend Marquita, and me. We parked in a handicapped spot because there was hardly anyone there. My mom used to tell me about how her and my father would park in handicapped spots, and he would get out of the car and act "retarded." And my mom thought it was so hilarious. So, being that I think I'm pretty funny person and I like to make people laugh, I did what my father did. I was walking kinda funny, and gesturing and stuff like that. I continued my juvenile behavior while entering the guitar repair place. The guy who fixed it was very nice. It only took 10 or 15 minutes to fix it. Right before we left, the guy mentioned that his mother is handicapped and that I shouldn't do what I was doing. ... I felt horrible.
Right after I got in the car, I wanted to cry. I felt horrible. Horrible. I felt like the most cruel, callous person on the planet. When I got home I cried myself to sleep. Everytime I would think I was done crying, I would think to myself "I'm a horrible person," and the floodgates would open yet again.
I feel so sorry about what I did. And I feel that I'm not a horrible person, because a horrible person wouldn't even care about it. They wouldn't think twice. They wouldn't even think they did anything wrong. I don't know what came over me, because I seriously should have known better. My cousin Isaiah got hit by a car when he was younger and since then he "hasn't been the same." And when this other boy, Isaiah's "friend," called him retarded, I could have beat the shit out of him! Don't talk about my cousin, or I will have to kill you.
So, today I was pretty mellow because I kept thinking of what happened. And thinking that I'm just so horrible. Horrible.
