21:39 - 10.23.2001
Fucked Up
I just have so much stuff bottled up inside, but when is it all going to come out?
True, that I do have anger management issues, but only when I'm alone. When I'm by myself at home doing whatever, I get really pissed off about something so insignificant. Because all the shit that I have to take day after day, year after year, never gets acknowledged. I just sit there, or stand there. I'm just there. Whatever the fuck people say or do doesn't seem to make much of a difference to me, if you just looking at me. If you're me, you're thinking very, very, very bad thoughts. Not saying that I'm going to pull a Columbine or anything like that. But the fact that I don't react to a whole buncha little things that people do to piss me off, means that I'm a ticking time bomb. And that's a little scary. The next little thing could be the match that lights the thing that sets off the thing. I think I know what I'm talking about, but I'm not always sure how to say it. But I know that it's not good, this time bomb of fury thing I got going here.
There's something so shitty about being over-analytical and fucked up. I'm fucked up in my head; I do believe that I'm insane and need massive psychological help (no bullshit). And I analyze. And analyze, and analyze. AND ANALYZE!!!! A little annoying was that? Try dealing with this shit for 17 years, so how you like it. I analyze so much that I know exactly what's wrong with me, and how to solve the problem. But the solution to my problem is impossible. I mean, I'm just supposed to change, just start standing up for myself? Is that how this works? I can't just not be me. And that's the fucked-up-i-ness about it all.
