22:30 - 11.14.2001
Julia
It hasn't been my day, my week, my month, or even my year.
Mike. I knew that I like him last year, and why I didn't ask him out is beyond me. But lately it's really getting to me. It kinda feels like that movie My Best Friend's Wedding. Mike has been there, and I don't think that I really thought of him as a "back-up" but maybe I did. And my feelings for him, even though he had no idea about them, were evidence of my prior claim.
But this is not the way things work. He's with Julia. Julia. Let me tell you about Julia.
Julia is the epitome of everything that I wish I could be. And I'm not saying this just because she's with the guy that is really supposed to be with me. She's spontaneous, loud, funny, cool, spunky. I'm sort of like that, but only under certain conditions. The horrid coincidence of fate has rendered my aesthetics completely unsightly and utterly intolerable. Even by myself. So, when I'm in school, or in any situation where I'm not completely comfortable, I cannot act the way that Julia act.
What's really confusing is that I'm not really sure who I am. Am I Julia? Am I this spunky way cool fun-to-hang-out-with kinda gal? Or am I this extremely self-conscious, paranoid, overanalytical freak of nature? Or am I both? Once again, another lovely reminder why I titled these ramblings AMBIVALENCE.
It's so hard to see them. To see anyone going out with anyone, for that matter. To be forced to recognize the fact that I'm alone. I saw this guy that I know, Jim, kiss his girlfriend by the soda machines today. It killed me. When was the last time someone kissed me? Scratch that. When was the last time someone cared about me? I'm not asking for a boyfriend necessarily, just a friend. I need a friend. I need someone.
Do you want to be my friend?
