21:58 - 11.16.2001
Miserable
What is this? Make-Erica-Miserable Week or something?
I don't know what it is, but this has been a very, very bad week for me. And today didn't exactly make it better. I went to the a folk fair and then out to eat with a club from school. It was a ... unique experience. I know that I have trouble "letting go" in public and in front of big groups of people. I was forced to dance, and let me tell you: it was horrifying. I would have stopped dancing, or whatever you want to call the motions my body was going through, but then I would have been the only one sitting down. And that's no fun. To be the loser. So, I was the loser who can't dance.
Okay, getting completely off the point, but yeah. I can dance, I just don't like to dance in front of people. And it was also a little annoying dancing with my "classic" black sweat jacket on.
So, the couples. I know that it's just karma or something, because this week I've seen an unusual amount of teenage groping in the halls of hell (and by hell, I mean high school). Today, it was Jay. Jay is perfect. He's smart, funny, really funny, and just a really cool guy. Him and his gf were playing a revolting game of tonsil hockey. Or at least I found it revolting. And, even though you heard all this before, this shit is the exact shit that makes me realize I'm alone, I'll be alone forever, nobody loves me, etc.
I also tried flirting with this one guy, thinking he would reciprocate. But I don't think that he understood what I was trying to do. Probably because he's a guy, and because most guys that I talk to, which isn't many, only can think of me as a friend. Nothing more. Ever.
Also, dealing with the immature antics of a certain person who shall remain nameless. It's very difficult. I tell her something in confidence. Something personal about me. How can I be so selfish?! Telling anyone anything just because they're willing to listen because I need to talk to someone, I need to let things out, let things go. What the hell is the matter with me? I should have known better. I'm not completely uptight, but I don't like playing games. That kind of shit is for the 2nd graders. If I do something, even a little thing to make her mad or something, she'll say something like "Oh, yeah! Just let me tell everyone that you..." It's like, hello?! Shut the fuck up! This chick has really been testing my nerves recently.
I didn't mean for this entry to be so long.
There's this thing that I went through today. I was in my trig class, and I was very tired. And very bored. I was feeling ... not exactly euphoric. But it was like euphoria/bored/dull ache-y type thing. It's very hard to explain. And I got these impulses. I looked at my calculator on my desk. And I thought about throwing it across the room. I picked up the calculator, and began to pull my arm back. But, of course, I reneged. Later I was walking through the halls with this same feeling and I got the impulse to crash into a wall. Or some lockers. Just walk, walk, and crash. But I did not. Though I could have. Funny thing was, about both impulses, it hurt to deny them. I would have been able to breathe a huge sigh of relief, had I thrown the calculator, but I didn't. I remember having this problem last year. I relieved it twice by throwing each of my shoes across the room in my 3-D art class. Luckily, the teacher wasn't in the room at the time.
Jesus ... Mary and Joseph. I must be crazy. Something has got to be seriously wrong with me. I mean, look at this shit. Look at my life. So messed up.
Therapy, therapy! Where for art thou, therapy?!
