15:39 - 12.04.2001
Second Grade
I don't mean to be writing so many entries so often ... but that's just how things are working out.
I swear, nothing ever changes. I mean, as we get older not one goddamn thing changes from 2nd grade. We're all just second graders ... really tall ones. I'm a senior in high school, and I still have to be surrounded by morons for 8 hours a day, 5 days a week. Needless to say, I hate high school.
Now, I know I'm trying to be all upbeat and everything, but I can't help but get a tad bit emotional when stuff like this happens. What happened, you ask? I'm in the cafeteria. I hate cafeterias. The need for acceptance, the clique world, etc. It's all too much for me. But nevertheless, I was there today. There was an empty table. I sat there. As everyone else started coming in, other tables were getting full. I mean, full. I mean, a table that's only supposed to have 4 people at it, has about 10. Ten. I'm not kidding here. And my table, of course remains stagnant with just the one occupant: me. I know that I'm not the most attractive person in the world. But that's really no excuse. People were actually coming over to my table to take empty chairs away. It's was just really depressing. And right now, or any time for that matter, the last thing I want to feel is depressed.
I hate being singled out ... in the bad way. The you're-the-loser-who-has-no-friends way. So, I walked out. Walked around school for a bit, got my guitar, and remembered that I was really hungry. And today they had subs from Cousins ... and Mountain Dew (the love of my life). I went back, sat by myself... Of course the aforementioned table was packed with people.
Some people tell me that it is my fault. Not just that I'm unattractive (they swear that I'm not, but I know better) but that my demeanor screams "Leave me alone!" I don't try to do that, really. It just sort of happens. Getting rejected, made fun of, etc., would cause a person to look a little sullen occasionally.
It all brings me back to second grade*. Picking out teams for kickball. I was always the last one to get chosen. Always. And I wasn't really chosen. That last team to pick was stuck with me.
The day is over. At least the depressing part of it.
p.s. be a doll, and show some love!
*actually, the social rejection happened to me more around 5th grade, but you get the picture.
