22:31 - 02.07.2002
Pathetic
Listening to: "I've Never Fall In Love Again" by Burt Bacharach and Elvis Costello
I've reached a whole new level of pathetic.
Mike. I know that I shouldn't be crushing again, but I just could not help it. I was going along just fine, crush-free. But then he comes along.
Something you must know is that I'm ugly. I'm not putting myself down. I'm not just agreeing with what everyone else says. It's just the truth. I'm just not a pretty person. And being this ugly person that I am, I know what it's like to be treated differently because of your appearance. Preppy girls talk to me like ... different. I'm not really sure how to describe it. But it's almost like I'm treated as if I'm inferior. Almost. There are a few people who take the time to get to know me, and find out that they actually like me. Of course, they treat me normally. And I, in turn, act normal too. Meaning, I don't act all shy and sullen. I'm me. (Whatever the hell that means.)
When I first met Mike, he was friendly from square one. He didn't know me at all, and he treated me like I was ... normal. And because of this unbelievably compassionate demeanor of his, I let down that sullen, shy girl exterior. Now, I like him. A lot.
I don't mean to look into a crush this much (okay, maybe I do) but I've never felt this before. (I hate saying that. Because I've said it before and things ended up shitty. Not talking about love necessarily. Just really, really good feelings.)
My new level of pathetic: I've "hired" someone to find out if he really has a girlfriend. If you've been reading, which you probably haven't ... you should know that I never really knew if he was with Julia or not. I think he might just be. So, I told a friend of mine that I'd make her a mixed cd free of charge, and she's going to find out if he has a gf or not. I know I could just ask him myself, but then he would know that I like him!
If he is with Julia, or still has a gf ... I cannot say that I wouldn't be disappointed. But that's his choice. He's a sweet person with a good heart, and I just really hope we can become good friends.
I thought about it in pre-calc today. How I would feel if he really did already have a gf. I was almost brought to tears. No one. No one has ever accepted me for who I am upon first meeting. No one. I've got to show people I'm funny and peppy. I've got to prove myself worthy. Why can't everyone just be as legit as him?
Why does everything have to be so ... just so.
