17:56 - 02.25.2002
Emotionally Self-Destructive
Somehow I always manage to do this horrible thing to myself. Despite the fact that I've done it thousands and thousands of times before, and after each time pledged never to do it again.
Why do I even bother liking any guy* at all? As if there is some remote possibility that we may actually hook up. As if I'm in some way shape or form ... desirable.
Oh, don't worry, Dear Reader. There are tons of other ways to get my classic emotionally self-destructive behavior than just crushin'.
I've never dropped a class because I didn't like the people in it. But now I think I may have do that. Spanish Five. It's not that I don't get along with anyone. It's just that no one ever talks to me. Ever. I skipped that class for four days straight. One of the people in my Spanish class had Pre-calc with me, which just happened to be right after Spanish. Not once did he ask me where I had been or anything. Not that I was doing it to get attention, because I wasn't. And not that he has to ask me something, because he doesn't. It just would have been a little nice, you know. I sit there. No one talks to me. I'm still not sure if I should drop the class because I'm going to Mexico in August and I'd like to be more fluent in Spanish. Who knows what'll happen? Maybe Juan* will teach me some Spanish.
So, I cried today. I was in this class. This godforsaken class. And the room was segregated. Oh, how I wish I was exaggerating. We were in a different class room today. On one side of the room there were 3 or 4 tables. I was sitting at one of them. On the other side of room there were 4 or 5 tables. Everyone else was there. It was so humiliating. I wanted to break something, someone. Instead of breaking something, I broke down. I left and cried. And didn't come back. I left my books and everything there. Drop the class? Don't drop the class? Drop the class? Don't drop it? Why does this shit have to be so enigmatic?
*by "any guy" -- on this occasion, I am referring to John.