9:37 p.m. - 07.20.2002
Andrea's Birthday Party (Tribute to Andy)
Yesterday was Andrea's birthday party. She turned 19.
And yours truly got drunk.
Not by choice of course. Okay, okay! I was a little eager to get at the Smirnoff's and Mike's Hard Lemonade and whatnot, but Andrea was encouraging me to drink as well. Saying something about me needing to open up a bit more.
You must know that I didn't want to go to this party. I knew what would happen. I would get there, and there would be tons of people that I don't know at all. And only one person I do know: Andrea. And I would be by myself the entire time. Alone in some corner wishing I had never come, wanting to cry.
My predictions were completely correct. Only one modification: I was getting drunk in the corner by myself.
Well, it wasn't really a corner, per se. I was watching t.v., but then people starting coming in the living room with me so I left. I went to the computer room, but people started coming in there too! Can't a social anxiety disorder sufferer get any peace?! Andrea told me that we were going to spend the night since she was driving ... and she was getting really trashed. I went to the spare bedroom where she told me we would sleep, and fell asleep. With my shoes on.
Why did I go, pray tell? One reason: my friend Andrea wanted me to go. I kept telling her that I didn't want to go. I told her my predictions. And she sounded so upset after that. She's my friend. I didn't want to make her feel bad.
There is something else I must discuss.
Julia has become a very good friend of mine. I love hanging out with her and talking to her. I feel like we're close. But if you look back on previous entries, you will notice that I coveted everything about Julia, and in a lot ways I still do. I got crazy jealous, and started to loathe her. Scratch that. I loathed myself because I wasn't her. And that made me want to loathe her. But it only made me feel worse about myself.
It's still like that with Julia sometimes. She'll do something that I can't do. That I could never do because of my anxiety or what not. And it was last night that I was so thankful that she didn't come to the party. Julia is practically a party herself.
With Andrea it's different. She's not wild and crazy like Julia, but she's certainly not introverted either. Julia's not the skinniest girl in the world, but she's not big. I know I'm no stranger to the plus-size section. And I'm sure Andrea isn't either. But I don't want to say that she's cool despite that. It sort of doesn't even phase anyone because of her exceptional personality. She's funny and sarcastic and cute. Her hair is so cute. It's the most adorable thing you've ever seen. It's the kind of hair that can never, almost never, look bad. Even when she just woke up or something, it's was disheveled, yes. But it was that cute sort of tousled look, that only she pull off. The way she dresses, her make-up, everything.
So many times when I go out, I feel like I'm defined by the way I look. I'm introverted because I feel like so many people are looking at me, and thinking so many bad things.
When I'm with Andrea, I don't feel the way I do with Julia. That resentment that I have towards Julia sometimes doesn't happen with Andrea. And, in truth, I'd rather be Andrea than Julia. So, it's not a matter of who I'm more jealous of.
Of course, the whole thing makes me sick ... in the end. I start thinking that I shouldn't wish I were anyone else. I should accept me for who I am, and love me, and blah blah blah...
But when have I ever done that?
