4:54 a.m. - 04.26.2003
I'm just a bitter bitch.
I called my ex-boyfriend, Josh, last night.
The only guy that I've ever really loved, The only guy who completed me so wholly and got me, understood me. I knew even when we were first going out, I knew how perfect he was for me.
I guess I was just looking for another reason to feel depressed. I had a headache, almost had a panic attack, and once again realized how unloving my mother is after seeing someone else with their mother.
He wasn't home. I've been calling for the past month or so and hanging up because I get so nervous about what I'll say to him.
This is my plan: Last time him and I talked, he said that he had a hernia. I'm calling to see if he's okay. Planned speech: "I know that we're not friends or anything, but I just wanted to see if you were okay."
My plan got a little fucked up since his roommate answered. Who's name is also Josh. He informed me that Josh is spending all of his money on his new girlfriend.
[Who, I had hoped, would have dumped him by now. Not just because I'm an evil jealous bitch, but because I don't feel he deserves to be happy. With anyone.]
I asked him if they had made love yet. When he told me that they had, I was silent and tears started to swell in my eyes.
I mean, true: I did sleep with someone the day after him and I broke up. But I was angry, hurt, and confused. I didn't sleep with him because I wanted to be with him. I slept with him because I was vulnerable. I felt so lost after me and Josh ended it. It was so emotionally draining, and I just wanted the opposite of that.
I hung up with his friend, and cried. Cried because Josh was with another girl. Because he was spending all his time and money on this girl. Because I don't have a boyfriend. All I have friends with benefits who are there for me when I'm feeling ... restless. Which is often.
After my headache started to subside, I went to McDonalds and bought anything and everything I wanted. Josh, my ex, called back twice while I was gone. I called back and his roommate answered. He told me that my ex doesn't want me to call again.
Then Charles called me. I told him to come over that night. I needed to feel something other than this pain. I neglected to tell him why.
I was in good spirits when he came over. And we ended up having the most amazing sex I've ever had.
The next morning I didn't feel alone. I didn't feel guilty. I felt ... satisfied. I looked at it this way: if I was in a relationship it take so much of my time and energy. And with social anxiety, there's not too many guys who are willing to date me. Once they know about it. But I still had anger. And the anger wasn't self-related at all. It was toward Josh.
Keep your girlfriend. Keep your hernia. I hope you rot in hell.
You think I'm bitter. You're damned right.
