12:09 a.m. - 05.08.2003
foolish
why, oh why, aren't my fucking shift keys working question mark...
i've been really depressed lately.
i thought it was because of josh, but now i don't know what it is.
the other night i started to put a cigarette out on my hand.
then i stopped.
because ... it hurt.
i didn't think i was someone who would start to hurt myself to feel better or what have you.
but then this morning something happened.
my mom called me upstairs to ever-so-kindly inform me that there is a warrant out for my arrest.
fucking speeding ticket.
get it together erica.
get a second job erica.
why are you such a fuck-up erica.
gee, mom. i'm such a fuck-up, maybe i should just die.
i went downstairs to my room and cried.
i couldn't stop.
it's weird because when i was depressed earlier this week, and i felt sad
i found it impossible to cry.
it was like a numbness.
if i want to cry, or say something, i would just sit there.
stoic. stagnant.
still crying, i went to the bathroom.
i picked up a double-edged razor blade.
i slid it lightly across my wrist.
then again, still not pushing down hard at all.
i start to see a little blood coming from the first slice.
to top it off, i do one last pass, not pressing the razor into my skin but letting it glide.
that's when i start to panic.
yes. there's small cuts. but i'm no pro at this.
i wrap a towel around my wrist to stop the bleeding, but it won't stop.
granted, it's not that much blood, but it just wouldn't stop.
i now realize what a dumb mistake i made this morning.
at no point was i actually going to die.
but that feeling of panic. that feeling that my life would really be over soon...
got to me.
i don't want to die.
i don't want to kill myself.
i think about it.
and i've been thinking about it a lot lately because sometimes life gets so hard.
suicide just seems like an easy way out.
but that's not what i want.
i want to live.
and today after work, i was in good spirits.
maybe it was because of my realization.
perhaps it's because i'm working again.
making money again.
i don't know why.
but i know i don't want to ever be that foolish again.
