2:59 a.m. - 04.09.2002
Getting back to normal is anything but normal.
So, my first day back at school, and my first day after my realization that I want to do something.
I was late for school though. Actually, I planned on not going. Charles came over last night, and we were talking and stuff, watched a movie. We were up until 4. Despite my previous rantings that he's a complete and utter asshole, he can be somewhat nice to talk to. It was really pleasant last night. Just talking. However, like most men, he got all "weird" when I started talking about our pseudo-relationship. What else can one expect? Though he did surprise when he agreed to go out with me this weekend. But I'll admit that I don't want to allow myself to be disappointed, so I am expecting the traditional back-out that he's known for when it comes to anything that might mean that we're in a real relationship.
Anyway, I was up until 4. I just thought that I'd skip today. I was so tired. And I still hadn't watched that episode of Six Feet Under that I taped that night. But my mom came to my room, and made me go to school.
I was just like invisible today. I don't know what it was about me. I just felt like I wasn't there. I was somewhere else. I wasn't in school today. My body was. But I was not. I was somewhere else. I was writing a lot today too. And not your garden variety poetry or your stunning prose, but just random ramblings.
And I've been getting those impulses again. This is not good. No. It's not. Impulses to stab people with pens, throw chairs, books, or anything within my reach across the room. I've got problems, man. I don't want these feelings. They just exist. Who knows...
The "doing something" pledge I made previously is going okay. It's really too early to tell, but I think it's going to be good.
