10:22 p.m. - 10.09.2002
The grass is always greener. Just like me.
I wrote this at work today. At about 6:35pm.
Holding back the tears was difficult, but I managed.
Never before have I felt such a need to physically write what I'm feeling. Usually I'm at home by my computer where I can easily type what I'm going through.
I envy you. I'm completely and utterly jealous. You've got so much, and you don't even realize it.
Around guys, even around anyone, I'm completely shy and all bumbling. And what I do manage to say out loud is completely dismissed or interrupted. Because no one, no one at all, takes me seriously.
And now I'm here by myself. Listening to you talk nonchalantly to many people. Including a member of the opposite sex. Something that I seem to be incapable of doing without looking like a complete retard.
To be so confident. Not too. But when you talk, people listen. When you're not, they talk to you.
No one gives a fuck about me.
I'm sitting here on the verge of crying. Not just because I'm by myself, and not just because I'm jealous. But because this is just another reminder that no one really cares. And thanks to my cold, the sniffles aren't really noticed by anyone. Though, if I didn't have this cold, I doubt that anyone would care.
No. I'm know that no one would.
Because that's my life. That's always how it's been. Occasionally, someone comes along. And for a split-second I foolishly believe that someone cares about me. That someone is actually interested in me.
But it's just a mirage. And I'm a fucking fool who falls for it every time.
Damn you and your non-social-anxiety-disorder-having ass!!!
You don't know how lucky you are.
Maybe I have been with more guys than you. Most of which I met from the internet. Like that doesn't make me feel like an even bigger loser.
I'd trade places with you in a heartbeat.
But I guess the grass is always greener, eh?
