10:12 p.m. - 09.14.2002
My Shitty Love Life [not so naive anymore]
I'm feeling shitty about my life right now. My love life at least. It seems that no guy wants to be with me. And the ones who do, only call me for on thing. I'm getting so sick of that shit.
I don't have a car, but yet Dre still calls me telling me to come over so we can have "hot sex." No, thanks. The other Dre gave me an ultimatum: either it's me, Julia, and him, or nothing at all. Well, you can go jerk off to your lesbian porn Dre, because I'm straight and Julia is my friend, nothing more. Tim, Ryan, John, the list goes on for ... well, it pretty much ends there. But still. It's depressing.
I'm sick of being vulnerable. And every one of the guys I mentioned knows this about me. They know that guys don't usually ask me out. So, they think I'm easy. Which, honestly, in the beginning I was. I didn't think I was.
I remember the first guy who started using me ... I thought Charles was my boyfriend. So deluded, I was. How could I have actually believed that this boy cared about me? I drove all the way to the south side of Milwaukee to pick him up, bring him back to my house where we would have sex. And not the good sex. Not the your-turn-then-my-turn sex. He was in control, always. I had no say. I'm too submissive. It wasn't rape. But some nights it was not far off.
But sometimes I felt so good. When it was happening. Feeling sexy, feeling orgasmic. But after I dropped him off, and drove that shameful road home ... that's when it starts to sink in: "Erica, you're a whore."
Now. I'm no one's whore. I'm no one's slut. I'm not having sex with you or anyone, because I'm not in a relationship with anyone. Don't call me and ask what I'm wearing. Don't call me and tell me to come over or come pick you up.
I want to be someone's girlfriend. And maybe after going out for a while, we might make love. I'd like to get a call from him, asking me if I want to go out and do something.
(And it certainly doesn't help that the guy that I've been secretly obsessing over for the past couple of weeks or so ... just doesn't seem to want to talk to me sometimes. I mean, I know that it probably wouldn't work out, but I'd like to think that it's possible. That he might care about me. He's so much older, and I'm so naive. But he's so cute and so perfect for me, it's uncanny! And too hard to ignore.)
It would not be so bad right now if I was just single. Just blissfully single. But I'm single with all of these ex-male counterparts who think they can just use me like they used to, or like I was going to let them before.
I'm still single. Just not so naive anymore. Well, at least when it comes to the opposite sex.
