11:49 p.m. - 10.27.2002
Obsessing, Changing, and Getting Crazy Looks
I'm obsessing.
But rightfully so. At least I think so.
My friend Andrea and I went shopping yesterday at Torrid.
One of the employees came up to me and said something, but I didn't understand her. I said "What?" And then she asked if I wanted a dressing room for the clothes that I was holding. I said okay. And I must have looked at her funny or something when I said it because she then said something like "I wasn't stalking you or anything."
I said "I didn't think you were stalking me. But that'd be okay though."
Don't ask me why I said it. That's just what came out at the time. And I'm thinking, after I said this, that she would be all weirded out and do a nervous laugh or look at me like I'm crazy. (Because secretly I enjoy those looks!)
But she said "Really?" As if she was excited that she could now stalk me. Or something along those lines.
And as we were leaving she told me and Andrea to have a good day. Simultaneously, we said "You too." Earlier she had asked what my name was so she would know which dressing room was mine. So, then she said "Bye Erica!" And blew me a kiss.
Now. I know that I'm obsessing over this. Okay? I stated that already...
I asked Andrea if she thought that the girl was hitting on me or not. Andrea didn't give me an answer. And I asked her again about twenty-million more times. Because the obsessing started right after we left Torrid.
This is something that I will allow myself to do. Permit myself. Encourage even.
So many times in the past, I've allowed myself to obsess over all of the bad things. And little shit that happens too. Oh, I was in a movie theater and I had to walk in front of people to go to the bathroom and someone made a rude comment. And I go off crying for hours.
I've let myself be sad and sullen because of some insignificant little thing.
Usually, when something like this happens, I'm thinking that it can't be real. It's just a joke. They don't really like me; they pity me.
And for the first time in a long time, I wasn't pessimistic about it. Maybe it was because she was a girl, or maybe it is really because I'm changing.
I am changing.
A few days ago, I was bummed. Part of the reason: my appearance. I haven't cried about it or been that bummed about it in so long.
It feels good knowing that I'm really starting to accept myself and my body.
A few days ago, self-esteem, self-confidence, etc.: all basically nonexistent. So, now I indulge in the fact that someone, a member of the same sex even, may have hit on me. May have actually been attracted to me.
What is so wrong with that?
I'll shut up talking about it because I know you're so annoyed. But I refuse just go back to the old me (not that I've made a huge transformation) and say that I'm ugly and fat and stupid. Say that no one could ever like me or want to be with me. Or actually like me and not just pretend to like me just to get what they want.
No. I won't.
