1:11 a.m. - 11.19.2002
My Pseudo-Date with Tim
I had a "date" Friday night.
I don't even want to call it that because it didn't really feel like one until like an hour into it.
It was with Tim.
Things didn't go exactly as planned. But I liked the way it went. I liked that we didn't rush into anything that I know I would have regretted.
I thoroughly enjoyed just sitting with him for hours talking.
And to Tim...
I had fun with you, I really did. But for the longest time I've been putting everyone else first, and me last. I've been getting used by everyone. Especially guys. And it hurts more than you can imagine.
I was talking to a friend on the phone last night, and he said to me "Why are you willing to do all these things you did with these guys, and you know they don't want a relationship?"
It's the Daily Double question of the year. Because I had no good answer for it. No excuse, rather. I tried telling him that I didn't want to talk about it. But he somehow got it out of me.
"I like guys, and they never like me back. But it feels like they do, when they only want that one thing. I always think that they'll come around or something."
Tears emerging.
"I keep making the same mistakes."
And I cried.
Tim. I'm sure you're a good guy. I'm sure you're a great guy. But I can't do that with you.
Like I said, I've got to start putting me first. And I want someone who won't just ask about that one thing.
I'm not saying I want you to be my boyfriend right now or that I want to be in a serious long-term relationship. I'm saying, let's go out, and have fun. See where it goes.
Because if I do something with you too soon, I'll never forgive you. I'll never forgive myself. It only makes me feel bad about myself.
And if you're not willing to wait, then you can go. No one's forcing you to talk to me. And don't just keep talking to me because you feel guilty and want to keep that "good guy" image going.
You know what I want now.
This is where the obligatory walkout comes into play.
Where I tell the guy what I want, and he leaves and never calls again. It happened with Charles, with Ryan, with Dre ... It's okay if that's what happens, Tim. I'm all too used to it.
I'm just glad I didn't do anything I would have regretted.
But I will say this: I didn't regret kissing you, Tim.
