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1:00 a.m. - 03.25.2003
Social Anxiety: I will not be a victim.
I'm going to the mental health clinic tomorrow.

I have social anxiety disorder. And I've been feeling very depressed lately.

I don't know. It's like everything is pissing me off or reminding of something bad about my life or ... something.

The social anxiety thing I really cannot take. My best friend Julia is incredibly outgoing. And I want to go out with her and have fun. Without my anxiety being the topic of the night. I want to go to Rocham's, or to a concert, or Project Q, whatever, without having to drink before I go.

I don't drink that much. Honestly, I don't. And when I do drink to relieve myself of my anxiety, it's only enough to get a bit buzzed. Never enough to get drunk. Being the best friend that she is, Julia will drive.

I'm scared, and I'm nervous.

What do I do? What do I say? What if he tells me everything that everyone else has been saying my entire adolescence?

You just need to get over it.
You can overcome it.
You're just really shy.

My mom especially. "You need to get over that," in a very stern voice.

It's not something to just get over. It's so not. I've always felt this way. Like it was a part of me. How do you get over being yourself? I can't change this part of me. Believe me, I've tried.

In school, I would almost always skip classes if I had to do a presentation. In my pre-calc class junior year, the teacher started making the entire class take turns reading out loud. I started skipping to avoid this. Walking down the halls, hearing people laugh, and always thinking, knowing that it was about me.

I remember the first time I skipped for this reason. Sixth grade. I would stay in the bathroom or just sit in the office. Better yet, the nurse. Damn, she was always such a savior. Even in high school. I never wanted to be honestly ill so badly.

So, after about eight or nine years of suffering in silence, I'm going to do something.

Because this is no way to live.

 

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