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4:49 a.m. - 04.22.2003
Three years, and nothing's changed?
About three years ago, I started an audio-diary. In which, I would record myself talking for my diary. I have about 16 tapes, and 5 or 6 cd's.

Early this morning, I listened to the first tape. It was July. 2000.

And I must tell you, it's like whoa. That's who I was? Is that still who I am?

Weeeeeird.

But I said a few things on the tape that startled me. And made me think and re-evaluate my life.

The first thing:

I said (by the way, I was 16 when I said this) that I don't need a guy. That I don't need a man. That I didn't even want one. Because I was more interested in trying to find out who I was. Trying to focus on my art, my photography, reading and writing poetry. Trying to get some "me time".

The second thing:

Well, it wasn't one particular thing. It was just a few things. But they were all concerning my anxiety. I listened to July 2000 to mid-August. And that's the time right before school starts. There was sooo much anxiety. So much paranoia. And dread. Some much hatred toward my mother for not letting me take high school by mail. And still, even now. For not noticing. Or noticing and choosing not to care, about my anxiety problem.

The last thing:

I talked about losing weight on the tape. I talked about how I wasn't seeing any results, clearly because it was too early to see any. But how just having a plan, and actually following through with it made me feel so much better about myself. Made me happy.

Lately, I have been obsessing over guys. Guys. As in more than one. I have been clinging on to any guy who gives me the time of day. And I shouldn't do that. I'm tired of it. And there are other things in my life that I would like to concentrate on other than guys. Like getting my diploma, going to college, getting another job, moving out, etc.

I do have social anxiety disorder. And I clearly have a procrastinating problem. Here's my excuse now... my friend took my car, and said she'd be back at one. And she's still not back. It's almost 5. She was going to go with me. Because of my anxiety, I cannot go alone. Thanks a lot, friend. I just want to give up hope. Get a job over the internet, and order my food, clothes, etc. from the internet.

Losing weight. Losing weight. Forever I have said I want to do something about it. I need to just get the fuck up off my lazy ass. It's as simple as that.

What's really scary is that it seems as though I haven't changed at all in the past 3 years.

 

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