2:50 a.m. - 08.16.2002
I'm too damn nice. So why don't I just disappear?
Mia couldn't take me and Julia to Jazz in the Park because her boyfriend is leaving for London soon. He's going to be gone 10 days. I'm sorry, but it just doesn't seem like that long to me. But whatever.
So, Julia and I went by ourselves. She was meeting Rachel, her date-like-thing, there. And I was okay with that at first because I thought that Mia would be there. I'm sorry if I felt left out, but I just do. It's a couple. It's a date. It's something where I'm one thing, and they are another. Third wheel type of thing.
They didn't really do anything on purpose to make me feel left out, so it's not their fault at all that I feel this way. I just feel awkward. I feel strange. Like I should leave them alone so they can do their thing, you know. It's kind of hard to explain. I just always feel like my presence is imposing on everyone.
Gigantic alterations must be made to accommodate me and all that has to do with me.
Julia got really mad at me because of this. I'm sorry. I really am. I'm just used to being too nice. Saying no to something when it's offered, as not to be a burden. Even though you asked me if I wanted it, I still feel like I'm imposing by accepting your offer. A lot of people will offer just to be nice. I know; I've done it.
I don't like accepting things. I don't like taking thing from other people.
"Erica, would you like something to eat?"
"No, thank you," I say as my stomach growls.
I can't help it! Julia was pissed. I mean, she had to stand there and yell at me about it. Break it down for me, she did. (I hate it when people do that; I feel really stupid.)
For example, tonight she wanted to go back to her house and watch a movie. She wanted me to spend the night and see if my mom could pick me up on her way home. I didn't want to spend the night. I wouldn't have minded the movie had it not been for my excruciating headache. But at that moment, I wanted to go home.
Though we did go to the coolest cafe, like, ever! (Gee golly, that was so a preppy girl moment. Dear God, what's wrong with me?!)
Bella, it was called.
And Julia doesn't want to go Rochambo anymore since there's a lot of smoking there, and that's not good for her asthma.
So, I was thinking that this would be the new coffee house. It's really cool looking too. The furniture, the whole essence of it is very modern, very art nouveau-ish. I love it. I wish I could live there.
As Julia was driving her big ass truck through the secluded streets of Milwaukee, I was looking out the car window. Staring at cars passing by. And other things.
My glitter bracelet. The burn on my middle finger from the hot glue gun.
We went to Barnes and Noble. I was sitting in a chair. Staring.
A sign. "Cookbooks."
Maybe it was my headache or something, but I felt really strange. Like if I were to lie down, and close my eyes, I would just evaporate. Just dissolve into complete nothingness. Just disappear.
I found myself wanting to. When I thought about my life. When I thought about my mother who treats me like shit. Who doesn't love me at all. My messy room. My shitty hair with my split-ends. My unemployed-ness.
It's stupid really. All bullshit. No real reason to die. But just for a second, I felt ... airy. It was calm and peaceful. Almost an ethereal euphoria.
