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12:17 a.m. - 09.02.2002
How Very Violent Of Me...
I have a lock on my bedroom door.

And incidentally, last night, I locked myself out of my room.

There are three keys. One was on the ring with my house keys, which was in my room. The other was on a ring with spare house keys: also in my room. The other copy my mother had made for emergencies.

I used the emergency key to try to get into my bedroom. But for some strange reason, the key would not work.

I ask my mother what I should do. She tells me she doesn't know.

It's 1am. I'm tired. I want to go to sleep. In my bed. In my room.

I go downstairs, in the basement, to my room door. I notice a hammer near by.

Feeling frustrated and punchy, I just start hacking away at the door just right of the doorknob. As soon as the hole I made was sufficient enough to fit my hand through, I reached in and unlocked the door. Went in and went to sleep.

What troubles me most about this is the great feeling of release I got while hammering a hole in my door.

This brings back memories of the time I got mad about something I couldn't find, and I kicked a whole in the door.

I always aspire to have a little more self-control and anger management.

But I am starting to get the feeling that it is something I cannot shake.

 

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