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1:16 a.m. - 08.19.2002
I wasted my time, but it's Martin's loss.
I feel like an idiot.

I feel like a complete idiot.

How I've allowed myself to become infatuated with Martin again is completely unfeasible.

I realize that I hurt him. Yes. But I'm not even going to pretend to be modest here: I'm the best thing that ever happened to him. I tell people about him, my family and friends. They all call him a loser. Even when I was with him, I would have to defend his name from the vituperation of my peers. I didn't think he was. To me he was just an incredibly sweet guy.

I've been talking to him online, thinking that he'll come around. Thinking that he'll realize how much he really loves me, and how he's bound to call, bound to "take me back."

Wasted fucking time.

One thing that I hate doing is wasting time obsessing over a guy who could never be with me. The only problem this time, is I thought he would be with me.

Once I find out that there's no chance, I stop liking the guy. I force myself to think of him as a friend. Or as an asshole. Anything, but a crush.

I'm pissed. You're goddamn right, I'm pissed!

But you'll regret it. I don't give a fuck how fucking boastful it sounds, but I'm am the best thing that ever happened to you.

So, you know what? You go off with your 35-year-old woman. You do that.

Honestly, I think he's making the whole thing up. No thirty-five year old female would even consider going out with some like him. Unless he lied: lied about not graduating from high school, lied about still living with his parents at age 25, lied about being unemployed. Or unless if this thirty-five year old is just as pathetic as he is.

I may have ended it before. But I was willing to give it another go.

And that's his loss.

Not mine.

 

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