9:14 a.m. - 10.23.2002
Sad.
I'm sad.
Everything was different today. Monday was nice. Monday was great. But for some reason, Tuesday was shitty.
I was sullen. I hardly did anything at work. Well, I worked. But I didn't give a hundred percent.
Because of my bummed mood, I get a call after I come home from work. They tell me "you did this much work in this amount of time..." blah, blah, blah. I tell them I'll do more work.
Even if I'm bummed at work tomorrow, now I have no other choice but to drown my sorrows and let work take my mind off of it.
I didn't know what "it" was. And just thinking of possible "its" made me even more depressed.
I hate the way I look. I hate mirrors. I hate my hair. The way it just seems to look crappy no matter what I do. My face. My freckles. My eyebrows.
I hate that I'm being torn between two friends. I hate that when one wants to do something with me, I already have plans with the other. Never knowing how to explain it. Not wanting to mention their name.
I hate my mother. For all the times that she made me feel worse when I was feeling bad. For putting me down like no other. For allowing me to learn that the one person who you'd think would love you unconditionally, doesn't really love you at all.
My aunt. Who tells me things I don't need to hear. Who hurts me and knows it. And when I confront her, she acts stupid. Like she didn't know that calling me that name, that hideous name that I dare not mention, would hurt my feelings.
Everyone would made fun of me in middle school. I had a problem. But no one sat me down and told me. Everyone just avoided me and talked about me. And every now and then Andrea says something to remind me of it. I want to cry. I want to hurt someone for all the pain that I went through. Someone else deserves this. Not me.
Anyone who never really listened to me, only waiting to talk. Whether they were aware of it or not. Most aren't. Anyone who made me cry. Anyone who ever greeted me with "So, you've gained weight..." or something of the sort.
For all those Bally's Total Fitness commercials, that when they come on I feel the desperate need to change the channel. Mute the television and look away. Turn it off. What was I watching? It'll rerun. All the slim-fast commercials. And the stupid ass Subway commercials with Jared who lost like a billion pounds. Are these there to encourage me to be more like him? Or to simply push me into a deeper depression? To make me feel worse about myself?
And for all the people who think it's your own fault if you're overweight. Saying that you can do something about it, it's easy, blah, blah, blah. Have you been there? Have you had to squeeze by people in a movie theater? Go into a store only to find that they don't have clothes your size. Insensitive assholes who say cruel things. It's fucking depressing. And unless you've been there, you have no idea. Sometimes if you're sad about the way you are, you'll stay that way because you're too sad to do anything to change. No one's encouraging you or motivating you. Everyone's putting you down and telling you that you're ugly and fat. It's a wonder why some haven't committed suicide.
People who can eat without spilling any crumbs at all. Who have perfect hair and a perfect body. With rich ass parents who buy them whatever they're little fucking heart desires.
Anyone with two parents. Whose father didn't abandon them.
And after I thought about all these things that I have to be depressed about, I no longer cared what I was originally sad about in the first place.
Too depressed to care.
