2:56 a.m. - 08.10.2002
Single. And calm apparently.
Dre broke up with me.
It wasn't messy. He made his point. I accepted it with grace ... Well, I accepted it; let's leave it at that.
Why can't anything ever just be normal? Never have I met a guy in person, he calls, and we go out. It's the school thing or the internet thing or just something.
Sick and tired of the pseudo-relationships. Just sick of 'em.
I want something right now that I can't have. That I've never been able to have after a break up. It's that nonchalant attitude of "That's what happened. It's over. I've moved on." That resolved and very easygoing like stance. I can't seem to ever get that.
The things that bother me most about what's happened:
- I, even now, continue to overanalyze the hell out of things that I should just let be.
- Involuntarily, I will start to mentally inscribe that list of my faults, idiosyncrasies, and imperfections.
- Pertaining to the previous statement, most of said-faults I'll associate with my appearance. And once again, more and more mirrors will be avoided*.
But I'm single now. For the first time in almost two months. I'm single.
I want to go into some ill-advised bit of "I'm single, nobody wants me..." but I'm sick of it. I complained when I wasn't with anyone before. And when I was with someone I still complained. I guess the grass is always greener, eh?
Or maybe there just isn't a happy medium for me.
Seriously, I'm very calm about the single thing. Calm, for lack of a better word, is what I am. Right now. Not a sullen, sad calmness or any kind of extreme co-feelings of calmness.
Just an ambivalent calmness.
*As for the mirror thing, it's not all the time. Just when I get out of the shower or when I'm getting dressed or undressed. Because when I'm in my jeans (you know the kind that make your ass look fabulous) and my cool khaki jacket and those boots that I just can't stop staring at ... I can be vein and downright cocky.
