2:42 a.m. - 10.13.2002
Take things slowly.
Why am I so fickle about love?
I think I fall in love so many times. When, to be perfectly honest, I don't think I've ever really loved a guy.
I've said those three little words to so many guys. Oh, so many. And not once have I meant it. Of course, at the time I always thought I meant it. But looking back, not one person stands out. Not one male that I told I loved him.
Skye, Tremain, Andy, Martin ... even a few whose names I cannot remember.
I do this all the time. I don't know why or what's wrong with me. I always believed that I meant it!
I'm eighteen years old. And I've been in love eighteen million times.
I've never really felt it. Every time I said it to someone, I was just wrapped up in them. Anytime I like any guy, even if I don't think I love them yet, I always become infatuated with them.
And now I'm sort of with this Brad fellow.
The other day while on the phone, we were talking and laughing. Just having a good time. And then he was silent for a moment. He stuttered something. And then said "Well, I'll just say I love you as a friend."
Nine times out of ten, with me, it's the guy who says it first. And I either think that I love them too because of the infatuation, or I feel bad if I don't say it back.
With Martin, everything was rushed. Like most of the guys I thought I loved, I never really got to know him. Within the first 3 or 4 days of talking to Martin, he said to me "You're falling for me, aren't you?"
I never had the heart to tell him no. I did still like him at that point, but he talked too much about himself. Like most guys. Hell, like most people. And whenever I would try to talk about anything, he would just tell me how it relates to him.
I remember talking to him once about car insurance and the difference between collision and liability. I was trying to tell him what I thought it was. But he just kept talking and talking, and I couldn't get a word in edgewise! After he was finally done, I still didn't understand the difference. I still don't!
The point. (And this time, I might just have one!) I need to take things slowly. With every guy that I was with before, the L word popped up after less than a week usually. No matter I think I'm feeling, I'm naive. And that word shouldn't pop up until after ... well, a lot longer than four days!
I like Brad. I don't know where it's going or what will happen. But I'll try to take it slowly.
