22:46 - 10.30.2001
Little Things
Little things make me want to do bad things...very bad things ... like kill someone.
Okay, so maybe I don't think that I'll really kill someone, but that level of anger that's inside of me is that high. So, my week is going pretty good, but there were a few things that have happened that have made me wanted to just break down and cry. And they're not horribly bad things, like someone throwing a pumpkin at me... Sorry, that was the first thing that came to mind.
What happens is I'll be on some kind of high from life. Thinking how great things are going and how "together" I am or some shit like that. Then, someone will bump into me and not say excuse me or anything, and then the memory of the once forgotten horrid life of mine comes flooding back into my mind. And I can no longer stand to breathe. Stand to exist. One little thing reminds of all the big bad things.
I was in earth science, and the teacher called my name to answer a question. I started to answer the question (I knew the answer), and I don't even get 4 full words out of my mouth and she says "Okay... Jay, do you know the answer?" She just calls on someone else. It was like, what? Whoa? Huh?! I'm really sure why it upset me so much at the time, but it was so hard to fight the tears for the rest of that period. "I'm so insignificant. I'm stupid. Why am I here? No one really cares. NO ONE REALLY CARES!!!!!" These were the thoughts going on inside of my head while I was resisting the urge to cry.
Then, this guy runs into me, and doesn't say excuse me. He was very rude about it, because he was in a big rush and he could have just said sorry or excuse me, but he didn't. I stood by the wall for a bit thinking "What the hell is wrong with me? Am I just invisible to everyone? Why do I come here? No one likes me. I have no friends..."
Oh, how I wish I could control this professional habit of making mountains out of mole hills.
