17:20 - 11.01.2001
Jealousy
"The thermometer of success is merely the jealousy of the malcontents."
-Salvador Dali
There are a couple things today that made me so ... jealous. And I usually I don't invoke feelings of jealousy. But today it's been so prominent, I'm practically wallowing in envy.
First, there's a girl. Her name, well ... we'll call her Megan. Megan reminds me of Sarah Michelle Gellar. She's very petite. Cute, little, funny, etc. I'm not a lesbian; I don't want to be with Megan. I just sometimes wish that I were her. Or at least looked like her. Everyday she comes into class, sits in front of me, and I want to cry. Just looking at her reminds of my appearance, and how horrid I feel it is. I try to hold back the tears. (Funny how I've been doing that a lot lately.) We're not friends, we don't talk to each other. Which is good, I guess. No resentment or anything. I'm not really sure what I'm getting at, so let me just say this: Sometimes I don't want to be me; I want to be someone else, because I feel so damn ugly.
Love is in the air! QUICK!! Everyone get your gas mask on NOW!
Today, I don't know what was going on, but it seemed like everywhere I looked there were couples. And not just some random couple, but people I knew. This guy that I used to like Josh, and his gf Kristen. Jim from my earth science class, and his gf. ; Some guy from the football team, Kevin I think his name is, and this other chick Melissa from my math class. I don't know. It hurts. It hurts so much because I've never had that with someone. A relationship, intimacy, the whole nine. I'm a very nice person.
I have so much love to give. But no one to give it to.
