20:13 - 11.26.2001
Crazy
Once again, I sit and wonder ... how the hell did I get so damn crazy?
Seriously though. I repeat things over and over in my head. And not good things. Bad things. Well, not that bad. I'm not chanting "kill everyone!" in my head. Just your run of the mill, self-destructive comments.
"Erica, you're ugly."
"Does he like me? Does he even notice me? Does anyone notice me? Does anyone care? Anyone? Anyone? ANYONE?!"
Maybe it's just because school just started back up today after Thanksgiving break, or something. But it's the little things that are making me think these things. Oh, hell. That's every goddamn day the little things make me feel like shit. Why, pray tell? Because I go to hell. I mean, high school. And in hell, no one likes you unless you're anorexic and/or bulimic.
I just can't live up to their standards. I just won't. But I still can't help feeling worthless because I can't. I'm the loser girl who has no friends. And while it's good to be independent and march to the beat of a different drum ... it's sad to always be the only one ... in any way. The teacher asks "Okay, does anyone NOT have a partner?" Shamefully, I raise my hand. "Who's not in a group yet?" Once again.
I pray that after hell, when I go to college, people won't be so asshole-y.
And that someday, if I'm lucky enough ... maybe someday someone will love me.
