10:58 p.m. - 06.17.2002
Meeting People Online. And my asshole mother.
Listening to: "Where's Your Head At" by Basement Jaxx
I said that I would meet more interesting people on the internet.
And by golly, I did!!!
It's getting really weird though. Because there's certain people who talk to me, who I don't want to talk to at all. But I'm a nice person, so I don't just say "I don't like you. Leave me alone." I should be honest, but it's really difficult.
But there are a few guys that I genuinely enjoy talking to, and get along with. Nothing too serious yet though. Most of them live in Milwaukee, so it's not that bad.
I'm so sick of my mother...
I don't think that most mothers call their daughters "asshole." And on a daily basis, no less. No. Not just one occasion. Daily. Damn near fucking daily!
I can do a damn good job of destroying my self-esteem on my own. Okay? I don't need you calling me stupid, asshole, etc. You can stop any time now. It's not helping.
It's actually making things worse because I was so pissed off about it, I blew off my work that I was supposed to do today. To get my diploma... And of course, I got the lecture. In which, I was, again, called an asshole.
Did I ever tell you about how I hate Father's Day? Well, I do. I hate it because I don't have one. Well, he exists. I haven't seen him in about 15 years. But he might as well be dead as far as I'm concerned. I don't want to celebrate it in any way. Now, I don't want to celebrate Mother's Day either. My parents suck.
I don't want to love her. I don't want to ever forgive her. Because it hurts so much. To find out that the one person that you'd think would love you unconditionally ... doesn't really love you at all. And when you think about it, it feels like they fucking hate you. Like they loathe and resent you, and wish you didn't exist.
And you start to feel the same. You start thinking about doing bad things to yourself. But when she found about the bad things I'm doing, she just called me stupid. Again.
*turns up basement jaxx louder*
Drown out the cries.
